Friday, November 25, 2011

Things I Do Not Understand

Why bad things always come in threes. George had his front bumper damaged by a flying tire tread on the interstate. My car required hundreds of dollars of repairs. WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT????

How children keep coming up with funny stuff all the time without even trying. For instance, Nick, who is twelve, was talking about a girl whom he likes. Jack, who is nine, asked, “Is she smokin’ hot?”

Why certain things in life are so stupidly complicated. I’m thinking of filing tax forms, buying and selling homes, choosing bread at the grocery store, sorting socks, and renewing Norton Antivirus in a household with multiple computers.

Quantum mechanics and string theory.

Why chocolate makes me feel good and fat at the same time.

How a person cannot like cheese. I mean, I get not liking fennel or blood sausage or star anise. But cheese?

Why on Halloween we hand out two giant bowls of candy and my children bring home two giant bowls of candy. At what point does this make sense?

Horror movies. And zombies.

Why every issue of National Geographic doesn’t contain an article on the Middle Ages. This month’s article on the Anglo Saxon treasure hoard found in a farmer’s field is wonderful and made me want to read Beowulf again.

Why I stay up extra late when George is out of town even though I KNOW I will deeply regret it the next morning at 6:00 AM when I have to wake up my son to get him on the bus.

Why my dog eats twist ties. And rocks.

Why any human being would possibly find a pair of bright red fake testicles to be an appropriate thing to hang from a truck’s trailer hitch. I saw a pair on a truck in the Walmart parking lot, and honestly, why?

How I can watch a movie about Anne Boleyn and be horrified when she gets decapitated at the end. Duh.

What, if anything, is going on in my dog’s head.

How my children can completely ignore me until I get on the phone or need to get something done, and once they have completely sabotaged my activity, they suddenly no longer need or want me at all.

Fart jokes.

Why my dog ate a bar of Dove soap and then spent the next day (Thanksgiving, ironically enough) barfing up pleasant-smelling barf.

Casual sex. (This one will get me some interesting hits on Google searches!)

What sorts of things do you not understand?


  1. About the cheese thing: I honestly will never understand this. I understand not being able to digest cheese, but not liking it?! It's like a bad joke. There are so many delicious cheeses out there!

    I am happy that your dog had some good-smelling puke; it must have been a nice change. Everything that comes out of my cats is horrific.

    Finally, fart jokes. My two-year-old will pass gas, smile, and say, "Toot!" I don't know if it's because he is the youngest of three, because he is two, or because he is a he.

  2. Oh my goodness! Your list is fantastic! What *I* don't understand is why someone would spend 20 minutes searching the living room for the remote control, instead of just heading to the TV to change the channel. I've seen it. It's been done.

  3. You had me giggling as I read your list. Love the hubby's out of town staying up late thing - do that myself...think it is the utter peace and quiet in the house that I enjoy so much :) Nice smelling puke - nice change LOL! Halloween one is too funny and true!

    What don't I understand: why does the cat always puke on the carpet and not on the hard wood floor which is oh so much easier to clean up; why is it the one time I don't check pockets of pants before the wash there is a Kleenex in one and all my clothes get Kleenex fluff on them; where oh where to dryers put/keep the missing socks?! Hope you are having a great Thanksgiving :)

  4. I don't understand why people in traffic feel the need to sit on my bumper, try to squeeze past me, toot their horn, make rude gestures. And they end up arriving at exactly the same time as me because we were both in the same traffic jam, behind the same cars.

    I certainly don't understand how a person can NOT like cheese, are there people who don't like cheese?

    I don't understand how anyone could not treasure their children, and not always treat them as the precious gifts that they are. (At Christmas time, in particular, I have to explain some of this to my own children as we give gifts to children in need). It breaks my heart.

    I don't understand how my eldest child cannot find her undies in her underwear drawer, her socks in her sock drawer, or her hair ties in the bathroom cabinet that holds hair accessories, especially when they are all sitting on top and highly visible. How is this possible? LOL!

    I think you will definitely get some interesting Google hits from this post, haha!

  5. Love your list!
    I'm with you on being busy and the kids wanting you, and the late nights when my husband is out of town! Why do we sabotage ourselves?
    Why do litchis only grow on one side of the tree?
    Did we really need mosquitos?

  6. I am totally with you on the 'Things Happen in Three's' scenario Susan... in the last week I have had an uncle in a serious car crash, my daughter broke her arm and my son walked through a glass door at a birthday party.. it's been surreal!

    I am also with you on the staying up late while hubby is out of town (of course, he was on a work trip while the above three things happened and I had been staying up later than I normally would've, so I was more tired than normal).. and as you may guess, I am also with you on the fact that children seem to know when you are on the phone.. and also the fart jokes...

    If I was to add anything to your list tonight, I might add the fact that I don't understand how whenever I get around to doing a huge load (or three) of washing and actually manage to get it hung out before school/work, it rains by the time I get home.. along with the fact that whenever there is something that I really want to watch on the television I fall asleep on the couch within about two minutes of it starting..just a couple of the many mysteries in life!

  7. If things happen in threes, then why are we waiting for the other shoe to drop? That's only two!

  8. Not like cheese? Insanity.
    Kids while I'm on the phone...yeah. My dog eats twist ties also - and occasionally rocks, and always blankets and socks. Why??? Thank goodness no soap yet.
    Kids say the most amazing things sometimes. Connor (12, ASD) was really angry with me for some reason last week, and bitterly he says on his way out of the room, "Your cards aren't even special!" Well, then. Meanie.
    Why, when I hit a pole last month (learner's license, whole other story) at 15 km/hr in a Chevy Blazer, it necessitated the grille being replaced, all the lights on one side not functioning properly (yet no broken glass!), and now apparently the 4 wheel drive not working. And why my husband can't stop talking about it already, or at least appreciate that no one was hurt nor was insurance involved. Mostly stop talking about it was only my second time on the road, for the love of Pete.


Thanks so much for taking time to comment!