Things on Thursday: Hell

My apologies to anyone who is offended by today's post. It's, well, vulgar and rude but oh so funny--at least to me in my current rather punchy mood--and probably not suitable for the workplace. You have been warned.


I've been thinking about hell lately. Not the afterlife Hell, immortalized in Dante's delightful Inferno, which is inhabited by sinners and consists of 12 levels of eternal torture, a frozen lake, and Satan with Judas in his mouth.

No, I've been thinking about rather more amusing, lower-case hell that is unique and relative to each and every one of us right here in this life.

There's an old military joke that (loosely paraphrased by me) goes something like this.

An Army soldier in a foxhole says, "This sucks."

An Army Ranger in a foxhole in the rain says, "This sucks. I love it."

A Special Ops soldier in a foxhole in the rain with lightning striking all around laughs and says, "I want it to suck MORE!"

An Air Force aviator in a hotel room, futilely pushing buttons on a broken television remote, says, "This really sucks!"

This joke is funny because it's true.

We all have a different definition of hell on earth. Some of us deal with hells that make Dante's look like it was written by Dr. Seuss. Serious physical or mental illness, tragic losses, war, famine, accidents, natural disasters...these real-life hells might make us wish we were in Dante's Hell instead. Swirling around in a tornado or floating in the River Phlegethon with murderers might seem a walk in the park by comparison.

Others of us are truly fortunate enough to deal with hells that are, quite frankly, funny. We might act like they are hellish situations, but, truth be told, we're just whiny spoiled brats.

Those are the hells I've been thinking about. The funny ones exaggerated by hyperbole that help us keep things in perspective.

Years ago, when Jack was three years old, we were going to the mall on an extremely windy day. The rest of the family had been watching Harry Potter movies, but I didn't think Jack had paid that much attention to them. When I opened the car door to transfer Jack from his car seat to the stroller, he proved just how much he had absorbed when a blast of cold air hit his face, and he said, in perfect imitation of Ron Weasley:

"Bloody hell!"

I did what every mother in the whole wide world would do at a teachable moment like that.

I laughed.

Like Carol Burnett.

Drunk.

And when I stopped laughing, I tried to convince him "we don't say that." But it was too late.

When Nick had the worst day of his life (I think he was nine years old), it was because he had to get a haircut. Worst. Day. Of. His. Life. He was in aitch-eee-double-toothpicks, I tell ya.

Have you ever watched the television show Dirty Jobs? Mike Rowe, the show's host, tackles the worst, dirtiest, nastiest, smelliest jobs that keep the rest of us comfortable, sanitary, and fed. On one show, he visited a farm (pigs or turkeys, take your pick as I can't remember), and as he and the owner walked into a building full of smelly animals, Mike exclaimed, "Oh, what fresh hell is this?"

The kids and I can relate. No fewer than four skunks have recently committed suicide on our route to school. Morning and afternoon, Jack, who is particularly sensitive to smells, complains that the skunks should be hibernating, not getting run over and ruining his day.

Blustery days and hair cuts, stinky animals and broken remotes. If only life never got any more hellish than that, it would be perfect.

But my ulterior motive for all of this talk about hell is merely to set up the funniest thing I've seen on Pinterest in weeks. You might say it's the best funny hell ever.

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Yep. Dante can keep his Inferno. I want one of these. It would make that "special" time of the month so much funnier, don't you think? It's certainly better than the Always "Have a Happy Period" campaign that turns menstruating women into justifiably homicidal maniacs.

Happy period my patootie.

I'd like to see the Special Ops dude deal with this particular hell. Tell me, girls, don't you think he'd be whining then?

Oh, bloody hell, YES!