Food is a big subject, though, and hard to narrow down to something digestible in less than five minutes without sophisticated powers of editorial discernment. I currently have no powers of editorial discernment, sophisticated or otherwise, because it’s August. August breeds angst in the hearts of mothers everywhere. August is the month of “to do” lists that go on for pages, the month of endlessly annoying bickering that turns mommy brains to mush. By August, mothers have been pecked nearly to death by chickens and are only kept upright and moving by the certain knowledge that school will start soon and their little darlings will peck elsewhere for hours every day and their wounds will have a chance to heal.
My August angst has sent me running to the World Wide Web for entertainment and distraction. Of course, before we had high-speed Internet service, I didn’t get the fascination. Now, however, I understand why the Internet has the television industry running scared. How many times have you channel surfed for, like, whole minutes of your life on cable’s two-thousand channels and found NOTHING worth watching? All that effort for nothing, nada, the big zero. But a few clicks on Google, and the world is your oyster in seconds. You can ALWAYS find something worth the effort on the Internet.
Best of all, you can always find proof that you’re not the craziest thing in the universe.
Take, for instance, Lowering the Bar, a blog by lawyer Kevin Underhill that reports nutty legal cases. Yesterday, I opened it from my Google Reader (oh, how I love Google Reader!) and found this article reporting that Tom DeLay will be on Dancing with the Stars. Underhill writes, “Yes, it is sometimes impossible to tell the difference between real news and what one might find on The Onion, and this is one of those times.” I can’t decide if DeLay’s dancing celebrity is a sign of the coming apocalypse or proof that God really, truly wants us to be happy even in the face of governmental corruption. I’m leaning toward the happy because it’s a better salve for my chicken-inflicted wounds, but now I can’t watch Dancing with the Stars because the possibility that DeLay might be any good would ruin the fun completely.
Another blog that provided two whole minutes of maniacally weepy laughter yesterday was Craftastrophe: Because Handmade Isn’t Always Pretty, which reports deeply disturbing crafts like this, or this, or this. (I'm only linking here because I can't stand the thought that images of cockroaches on a plate, rat salt and pepper shakers, and Barbie heads ever appear on my blog.) But yesterday’s “Egg-Cellent” entry was just funny. It reminds me of my friend Martha, a nurse who once wore earrings made of condoms to the Officer’s Club. One side of each package was clear, so the orange condom provided a sunny backdrop for a hand-painted tropical scene complete with beach and palm tree.
Just spend a moment reflecting on the idea of condom earrings worn at an Officer’s Club.
Next up for fun is ICanHasCheezburger.com. Yesterday, I found this captioned kitty picture and felt such kinship with the cat that I touched my face to see if I’d grown whiskers or something.
This one could also appear on Craftastrophe.
Whenever I need verification that nothing in the universe makes sense, I visit the Engrish blog, where people post pictures of poorly translated English. Last week, I found this wonderful billboard that, well, explains everything.
After this little trip around the World Wide Web, I'm feeling quite normal and well-adjusted and ready to tackle back-to-school clothes shopping with a fourth grader who would prefer to wear his holey, stained, rotting-off-his-body kindergarten olympics t-shirt every blessed day of his life. Let it go, son! For the love of God, let it go!
Pray for me. Please.