Friday, November 25, 2011
Things I Do Not Understand
Why bad things always come in threes. George had his front bumper damaged by a flying tire tread on the interstate. My car required hundreds of dollars of repairs. WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT????
How children keep coming up with funny stuff all the time without even trying. For instance, Nick, who is twelve, was talking about a girl whom he likes. Jack, who is nine, asked, “Is she smokin’ hot?”
Why certain things in life are so stupidly complicated. I’m thinking of filing tax forms, buying and selling homes, choosing bread at the grocery store, sorting socks, and renewing Norton Antivirus in a household with multiple computers.
Quantum mechanics and string theory.
Why chocolate makes me feel good and fat at the same time.
How a person cannot like cheese. I mean, I get not liking fennel or blood sausage or star anise. But cheese?
Why on Halloween we hand out two giant bowls of candy and my children bring home two giant bowls of candy. At what point does this make sense?
Horror movies. And zombies.
Why every issue of National Geographic doesn’t contain an article on the Middle Ages. This month’s article on the Anglo Saxon treasure hoard found in a farmer’s field is wonderful and made me want to read Beowulf again.
Why I stay up extra late when George is out of town even though I KNOW I will deeply regret it the next morning at 6:00 AM when I have to wake up my son to get him on the bus.
Why my dog eats twist ties. And rocks.
Why any human being would possibly find a pair of bright red fake testicles to be an appropriate thing to hang from a truck’s trailer hitch. I saw a pair on a truck in the Walmart parking lot, and honestly, why?
How I can watch a movie about Anne Boleyn and be horrified when she gets decapitated at the end. Duh.
What, if anything, is going on in my dog’s head.
How my children can completely ignore me until I get on the phone or need to get something done, and once they have completely sabotaged my activity, they suddenly no longer need or want me at all.
Why my dog ate a bar of Dove soap and then spent the next day (Thanksgiving, ironically enough) barfing up pleasant-smelling barf.
Casual sex. (This one will get me some interesting hits on Google searches!)
What sorts of things do you not understand?