Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Child Abuse

Me: You boys need to take baths tonight.

Nick [wailing]: Noooo! We took baths last night!

Jack: Do I have to take a bath tonight, mommy?

Me: Yes.

Jack: Oh, thank you mommy! I love you! [gives me big hug; the little suck-up]

Nick: Can I ask Dad if I have to take a bath?


Nick [to George in other room]: Do I have to take a bath tonight?

George: Yes.

Nick [wailing]: Nooooooo!

George: The horror! A bath!

Me: Yes, it’s child abuse.

Nick will grow up to write a Mommy and Daddy Dearest memoir of the horrors of being raised by loving parents who

1) do not allow him to eat candy for breakfast,

2) buy him new clothes of his choice each season and then force him to wear these new clothes he picked out himself so he doesn’t look like a hobo in public,

3) make him do his homework, feed the dog, and clean his room,

4) do not allow him put tape on furniture, walls, or bedding,

5) insist that he must throw away the packaging to all the toys he receives,

6) will not let him read T for Teen comic books because he’s not a teen yet,

7) make him play outside,

8) limit his computer time,

9) won’t buy him every toy he wants,

10) make him go to bed at 8:00 on school nights and 8:30 all other nights,

11) have made sure he will be the last kid on the street to get a Wii…if he gets one EVER, and

12) make him take a bath when he is dirty.

Yep. Call Child Protective Services right now. He is clearly being abused.

With your tongue planted firmly in cheek, please share how were you “abused” as a child, or how you “abuse” your own children in the comments. My dad made me and my sister pick up pinecones in our back yard on SATURDAY MORNINGS, when all kindly treated children were inside watching cartoons.


  1. I had to cut dandelions out of our spacious yard by hand.

    I had to wear butt ugly clothes from Sears Roebuck--polyester knit matching "sets" that my mom bought in bulk without consulting me. So. Not. Cool.

    I had to eat fresh vegetables from the garden, and we never, ever had Hostess snack cakes (Ring Dings, Devil Dogs, Suzy Qs, Twinkies, SnoBalls!) at our house.

    I was not allowed to ride my bike on the street, even in the neighborhood.

  2. Arielle learned it early, and learned it well, that dreaded mealtime mantra: "This is what's being offered." No short order cooks in residence here.

  3. Well, I had a glorious childhood but at the time I'm certain I felt it was less than fair.

    As for today ~ I "abuse" my own daughter in pretty much the same way as you with your son :). I think you're probably better at it though as I find my insistence becoming obeyed less and less, and my resolve weakening. No one said it would be easy.

  4. Light hearted and comical post. Made me laugh. We abuse our furry children several times every day with a multitude of machine-gun kisses to their heads and necks. ;-)

  5. I laughed so hard at this post. Thank you for being a good parent. There aren't enough of you out there. :)

  6. When my son was younger, as punishment I would let him sit with me in the living room, never sending him to his bedroom because he loved his room so much!!!

  7. My parents were so cruel because they would not let us have a tv in our bedrooms. No phones either. They made us bathe daily too. Oh the horrors of loving parents!

  8. My brothers and I had to clean up the kitchen every night after supper! One brother cleared the table, one had to take care of the cupboard and stove, and I had the job of loading the dishwasher. AND WE WEREN'T ALLOWED TO WATCH TV UNTIL IT WAS DONE!

    Furthermore, my father was a Maytag repairman. If the dishwasher broke down, and he was able to determine that the problem was caused by my lack of attention when loading it (a straw stuck in a drainpipe; a piece of broken glass from pushing the rack in with a bit too much enthusiasm) - he would deliberately delay repairing it so I would have to wash dishes by hand, thereby learning to appreciate the dishwasher and hopefully treating it better.

  9. Hmmm, I had to weed the garden, eat what was on my plate, do the dishes, wear hand-me-downs, and heard the word "no" many times.

    Fun post!

  10. Let's see, I had to WALK to school!

    As for my kids...when they had a dispute, they had to sit in a kitchen chair at opposite ends of the living room, facing each other, until they resolved their dispute.

    They also had to walk to school, but it was just across the driveway to the schoolroom!

  11. Oh there are some funny things there. I remember having to wear good shoes from Clarkes(best for your feet) that cost my mother a small fortune but they were so ugly and clumpy compared to what the other girls wore. I used to try and scrape them to make them wear out. We never had a dishwasher, but had to help with washing and ironing from an early age.


Thanks so much for taking time to comment!